not the only one
by blairswaldorfs
Summary: it's a new story each time, bitter remorse and a pill in her hand. / jennycarter.


**not the only one**  
carterjenny

—/—

It starts with him offering her a pill, placing it in the palm of her hand and telling her to have fun. He did the same to Serena when she was just a little bit younger than Jenny, when she was thirteen, confident enough to take it. Jenny looks at it, face grim with uncertainty, before smiling brightly and telling him thanks.

It's not her first party, but it's the first she has fun at one.

—/—

An arm is slung around her waist, blue eyes wide with wonder as she soaks up the club. It's not like the parties Blair throws, sophisticated events masked as teenage parties. Or maybe it's the other way around. _Anyway_, this— _this _is different. A different that she likes.

Carter leads her over to a corner, where it's more secluded and tells her she's beautiful. She's grounded. She's working for Eleanor. She thinks she might be in love. She knows she isn't.

—/—

London is busy, full of life, full of people and Jenny is in a fucking rush. Deadlines to meet, deadlines that she can't possibly meet now. With a sigh she retreats to a bench and pulls out a packet of cigarettes, Dan scolded her when he found out but _old habits die hard_, and _when where you ever a smoker, Jen? _It's true, she was always more of a pill popper.

"Jennifer Humphrey?" Looking up, she grins.

"Carter Baizen!" Standing up, she throws her arm around him. Throwing the cigarette lightly on the ground and stamping it out with her heel. It's almost like she's fourteen again, _almost_.

(But she's twenty six and an adult now, with a job, and responsibility, and impossible ex boyfriends, and an impossible current boyfriend).

"Wanna get a cup of coffee, beautiful?" She heard Serena married him on a whim, she totally sees why.

—/—

"You're insane!" Jenny laughs, shaking her head as Carter tells her all types of stories. She has to leave soon, and they've only been her twenty minutes and maybe he's already whisking her off of her feet—

It's a dangerous path, an impossible path and one that she feels like she's taken before.

Raising an eyebrow, she leans forward. "Are you sure that ever happened?" Whispering mysteriously, she pulls back before laughing. Carter flashes her a smile back, leaning back in the seat before eyes met the clock and time steps in the way.

"I've got somewhere to be, beautiful." He's charming as hell, and so when he kisses her cheek she hopes she never sees him again.

—/—

A week later he's on her doorstep with a bag of pillows and a bottle of rum.

It's like Damien 2.0.

(Except he was the one who introduced her).

(To drugs, not Damien).

—/—

Boyfriends out of town and Carter's lying on her couch, mixing alcohol and juice together. Everything he gives her tastes disgusting, but she's slightly intoxicated and he's more than slightly charming so they end up sloppily making out before Carter falls asleep.

Jenny calls up Serena, and tells her vaguely that she's making a big mistake.

(Serena doesn't care).

—/—

"Gotta go back to New York, beautiful." Carter says, hands in pockets and he's standing in front of her door. Maybe this is the scene in romantic comedies where couples get together, or maybe this is the scene where the two people never destined to be together say goodbye and never end up together.

"Come back and do a few party pills with me?" Jenny asks, hopefully. Too hopefully. It's not like they do that much, anyway. They drink a lot, and pretend to be drunk so they can talk about feelings, a lot.

"Always."

—/—

It's a full nine months before she sees him.

This time it's at a wedding.

—/—

Jenny fucks him as Serena and Nate say I do and decides to regret it later.

(After she drinks enough to forget it ever happened).

—/—

Three years later she hears he's married.

(This is after they fuck, and after he moves in with her, and after he breaks her heart).

—/—

"You're married, huh?" Jenny leans against the balcony, an unlit cigarette situated between her fingers.

Carter shrugs, the moon highlighting his features; it's easy to see how she fell in love with him and god, it's easy to see how they broke up too quickly, burned too fast—

"Guess so."

—/—

(and that's where she wishes she could end the story).

(but she goes back in time,

to when they were happy).

—/—

Jenny lies outstretched on the couch, head lolling back and forth on the end as she flipped through a magazine, most of her attention remained on the T.V, though. Images of fashion week capturing her attention.

Carter's on the phone in the other room, laughing like he hasn't a care in the world. Jenny sighs, pushing herself up off of the couch. While he sounds like he doesn't have a care in the world, he does. She can tell it's a business deal gone wrong, he's in trouble, he's trying to save whatever mess he's found himself in with a story and a laugh.

He's put the phone back by the time she comes into the kitchen, shrugging her shoulders and telling him whatever it is he can fix it. Silence follows, he's trying to note bite back and it's, _it's — _it's fucking frustrating living with somebody who tends to be able to snap at any moment, it's walking on eggshells even if the eggshells are never going to snap.

Get it? Jenny sighs, flopping down into a chair. Her own thoughts about Carter confusing her as each new one rolls in. Two months of living with him and she'll never understand him. Sweet and kind and able to break you in a minute.

"Jen?" He asks softly, sliding the chair out next to her and sitting down in it. "Jen?" He repeats, just as softly. Tears prick her eyes, and _god, she doesn't even know why!_ Smiling, she wipes them away.

"I'm fine. It's fine. I'm just —" She searches for the right word and comes up with a blank, shaking her head. She's too old to be the same person she was when she was with him a year ago, and she's too old to be the same person she was when she was in the same social circles back in New York, and she's too old to be whoever everyone wants her to be and she's too old not to know who she is. It's too late for her to be worrying over this, too.

Carter kisses her softly, and it reminds her why she loves this. The rush and the thrill, and he's four years older than her, and still half in love with Serena van der Woodsen, (because who wouldn't be?) but she's not little J. from Brooklyn anymore, even if she still feels like it.

"Love you," He whispers, pecking her lips softly once more before he excuses himself for a business call and leaves Jenny feeling like she's dancing on air but every high comes to a low, and each one is lower than the one before.

Bonded over pills and wild stories and being outcasts from the Upper East Side.

"Love you, too." She whispers to herself, sighing and pushing herself up off of the chair. Wandering back into the living room, back to being entranced by pretty images of pretty dresses, another reminder of the life she could of had.

—/—

They eat ice cream by the river, laughing like they're children again, and maybe that's the greatest thing about them. Young, even though they're old. Their youth is relieved by the fact they're both stuck in life and they met through the old life they were kicked out of.

Maybe it's the worst thing about them.

"So then what happened?" Carter asks, entranced by the story as he places a strand of her hair back behind her ear.

"What do you think happened?" Jenny retorts.

"Had a change of heart and decided to not sabotage your friend?" Carter licks his ice cream and she'd rather be licking his lips, right now.

"Guess again." Leaning forward she kisses him gently, his fingers brushing over her cheek softly.

"You sabotaged your friend?" He asks.

"Bingo." Laughing he asks if she wants to go back home, _there's children here_, he adds in a hushed whisper, eyes flickering over to where children play in a corner.

(One day she imagines they'll have some of their own, she never asks if he imagines that, too).

—/—

He says it so effortlessly, so genuine, so sweetly, that her heart flutters in the first time and forever. Light blush spreading over her cheeks as she looks down at her plate of food, eyelashes resting lightly against her pink tinted cheeks.

"Really?" She asks, hopeful. In need of reassurance.

"Yeah," Carter laughs.

"I love you, too. I think." Jenny responds, laughing and smiling and she's _so _happy that she could explode.

"You think? Aw, no. It means you don't!" Carter jokes, charming and clever and — Jenny shakes her head, muttering that he's stupid and taking a sip of her water as he starts a new story and trying not to chuckle and spit water all over the place.

—/—

Stroking her arm, he asks her if she regrets it.

"What?" Jenny asks, brain a little hazy from the pills earlier in the day that he doesn't know she took and the phone call she had with her brother that resulted in a fight.

"Us."

She places that as the moment everything went to hell.

—/—

(every time she thinks about the good, it ventures into the bad).

—/—

It's not you, it's me.

Sorry, it's just not working out.

We're in different places.

When, no. Carter those three excuses aren't true — you've fallen in love with someone else, beautiful and wonderful and smart and French and she knows four languages and is a ballerina and you've seen the pictures.

—/—

"First person to break your heart?" It's the third date and they're pulling questions out of a bowl.

Laughing, she tries to think. Listing off names in her head.

"Damien Daalgard, _long story_."

(But the first name that sprang to mind was Carter Baizen and that's gotta count for something).


End file.
